It’s that awful time of year where people who make you recoil with the force of a spiteful fart start smiling at you, being cheery and demanding that you shake their hand.
Pass the Valium and hand sanitizer: it’s fucking Christmas.
Once a year there’s a celebration of trees and presents and beady eyed elves and flying mutant reindeer and a sinister man who sneaks into houses to leave presents for children, alongside some outrageous story about a “virgin” giving birth to Harry Potter or Gandalf. It’s a shiny, flickering nightmare.
“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” they say.
“HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS!” they say.
I usually throw a giant ‘Hand Of No’ with a great big ‘NO I WILL NOT’ at Christmas. I find faux happiness and joy to be nauseating. I don’t like people. I don’t like interacting with people I don’t know. I don’t even like interacting with people I DO know. I don’t want or need to tolerate happy people and their fucking Christmas joy.
As much as I loathe chirpy people at this time of year, there are some Christmas things that I can tolerate, so on that note, here are my 12 Things of Christmas that I actually do quite like!
Thing 1: Dogs wearing reindeer antlers
There is nothing more entertaining than dogs being forced to wear reindeer antlers. You can totally tell from their outraged little faces that they’re thinking ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I’M A DOG NOT A REINDEER. I’M GONNA PEE ON YOUR FACE BITCH’.
Thing 2: Dogs being forced to wear Christmas outfits
Look at how utterly pathetic and sad and FABULOUS this wee guy is.
Look at his eyes.
Those are eyes that say:
“In my country… I was a surgeon.”
You should say that in a Russian accent.
Thing 3: Falling over on ice
Winter = Cold = Ice = Falling over
People. Animals. WHO CARES!!!
The more people / animals that slip and fall on ice the better!
Thing 4: Making snow zombies
Nothing says IT’S CHRISTMAS quite like a snow zombie.
The last time it snowed, Maeghan and I had a marvellous time making snow zombies!
We gave the snow zombies their own story which was a terrifying tale of MURDER and MYSTERY and SNOW! You can click on the picture below to read the first part of The Snow Massacre and gasp in awe at the biggest cliffhanger in snow zombie history.
The story can’t be resolved until it snows again.
It’s pretty much the snow zombie equivalent of waiting on the next Game of Thrones book.
Thing 5: Psycho Shoppers
Y’all knows it’s like The Hunger Games whenever you enter a shop in December. The closer to December 25th it gets, the more chance you have of being killed by a maniac in a Santa hat and a Christmas jumper wielding a Furby and a frozen turkey.
Know what’s a good game to play? Head to a supermarket, pick a target with a trolley who looks like they might cry or have a meltdown at any moment and stalk them round the supermarket removing items from their trolley and replacing them with things like cheese, nappies, beans etc. It’s fun.
Thing 6: Christmas Spirit
Thing 7: Gremlins
Nothing says Christmas quite like evil little monsters running amok.
I mean all they want to do is watch Snow White and eat some food and sing some Christmas carols!
Sticky Tape Disasters
Sticky Tape was created an evil person who truly hated all people.
I am the WORST person at wrapping presents.
I always end up with tape wrapped around my face. I always have a tantrum. I always cry. I always need an adult.
Things 8 & 9 & 10: Spice Girls & Steps & S Club 7
I care not for Christmas songs.
Never does a year go by without having to endure at least one drunken pig-in-tights falling out of her cheap ass heels that don’t fit her hooves properly while murdering Mariah’s All I Want For Christmas Is You. All I want for Christmas is for you to fall on the ice and smack you little head on the floor.
If it’s by the Spice Girls or Steps or S Club then that’s different.
2 Become 1 was the 1996 UK Christmas number 1 single.
Heartbeat was the double A side to Tragedy released in 1998.
Never Had A Dream Come True… well… it’s good.
The songs aren’t very Christmassy if I’m being honest. But neither was Bob the fucking Builder and it was a Christmas number 1.
I HEART 90S CHRISTMAS POP SONGS.
Thing 10: Christmas Decorations
Christmas Lights are twinkly. Tinsel is shiny. Baubles are fancy.
It’s all very fabulous and I do love a tinsel scarf.
Thing 11: Making a mockery of Christmas Jumpers
Are an outrage.
Every time you wear one and you walk down the street thinking ‘oh I’m so full of christmas joy with my jumper on heyyyy I’ll spread some Christmas cheer with my jumper on heyyyyyyy…’ there’s someone like me judging you and thinking ‘I hope you fall over and land in dog shit you absolute heathen’.
Thing 12: The TRUE Christmas Story
As mentioned earlier, some “virgin” got knocked up by some wizard and made Harry Potter or Gandalf. And three drag queens came and gave the baby wizard some gifts. The ‘boy who lived’ grew up and was murdered by a bad man, but the angel rolled the stone away and the Easter Bunny saved the day with a chocolate egg from Tesco.
Then something about dragons happened.
It’s a time for giving presents.
It’s better to get the presents though.
It’s a time to be drunk.
You kinda need to be drunk.
It’s also a time to get drunk and be sick on your friends’ hair while sharing a toilet bowl.
It’s a time for all those people you don’t speak to all year to get into the Christmas spirit and decide to try to have a meaningful conversation with you.
It’s a time to tell those people to go fuck themselves.
It’s a time for people to get over emotional.
It’s a time to slap the shit out of these people.
It’s a time for everyone to get excited about NEW YEAR!!!
It’s a time to look out a taser in case anyone tries to wish you a happy new year and also the strongest bleach-based hand sanitizer imaginable just in case anyone catches you off guard and touches you.
It’s a time to smear your cheeks in tabasco and dung to teach those pests who try to kiss you a lesson about invading your personal space.
It’s a time to realise that once it hits midnight after Hogmanay and the new year is upon us all, that all your hopes and aspirations for adventures and new starts and all that other emotional nonsense everyone spouts on Facebook and Twitter (as if anyone actually gives a fuck) are complete bullshit and that your forthcoming year will actually be as mundane and as crappy as the previous year.
It’s then the time to realise that your 2 week holiday / annual leave from work is over and that the whole Christmas / New Year charade is over: you’re hungover, you’ve no money left and you’ve nothing but an empty selection box and the feeling of impending doom left in your living room next to the pile of sick the dog or cat or child has left you under the Christmas tree after you thought it was a good idea to feed it turkey and sprouts for the fifth day in a row.
On that festive note…
This concludes my 12 Things Of Christmas.
Ho. Ho. Ho.