Happy Halloween!


Happy Halloween!


I Like A Story I Do Part 5

Skull Banner

I like a story I do…

Boy and Bear

A young boy is fast asleep in his bed.
It’s around 11:45pm and he is awoken in a panic by loud, banging noises. He thinks he hears shouts. Maybe a scream. From the safety of his upstairs bedroom, the sound is muffled and difficult to hear.

The house turns suddenly silent.
No muffled sounds.
No shouts.

From under his duvet cover, clutching his teddy bear for protection, he listens through the deafening silence, concentrating to hear even the tiniest of noise.


Then it begins.

shadow on stairs

A soft thud. Another. And another. Another. Another. Another.
Footsteps. Heavy footsteps. Not those of his mother.
The thuds reach the top of the stairs.

top of the stairs

The boy, mute with fear, bravely peeks out from under the warmth safety of his duvet. He scans the dark room. His eyes fall to the strip of light under the bedroom door.

The thuds stop as two dark shapes break the beam of light.

His bedroom door open quietly.
A large silhouette stands.
The young boy’s eyes begin to adjust.
The shadow is carrying something. Over his shoulder.
It looks like… his mother.

The young boy watches silently as his mother is propped up on chair, eyes closed, head forward. The shadow then begins pawing, clawing, scratching at the wall. The boy, seeing only the shadow from behind, thinks it is writing something. The shapes the scratches are making seem to be dripping, oozing downwards.

The shadow abruptly stops.
The boy, still spying through a tiny space in his bed covers, sees the shadow begin to shrink, as if it’s sinking into the floor. The boy realises the shadow is now on it’s knees. The shadow begins to move backwards, out of sight. The boy realises the shadow is now under his bed.

Scared beyond belief, the boy does not move.
He can’t read the writing on the wall and he knows the shadow is under his bed. He pretends that he slept through the whole thing and hasn’t awoken yet. Maybe he’s dreaming. Maybe not. He lays still. His teddy bear as his guardian. Quietly hearing the subtle breathing from under his bed.

Teddy Bear

An hour passes. His eyes are adjusting more and more to the darkness. He looks at his mother on the chair. He looks at the floor. His eyes look up, following the trails of dark that have dripped down the wall. He tries to make out the words. It’s a struggle. He hears a shuffle from under the bed. He freezes.
He let’s out a whimper as his eyes finally adjust to the words on the wall…

I know you’re awake

monster under bed

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I Like A Story I Do Part 4

Skull BannerI like a story I do…

Scary Street 1

About five years ago I lived in a wee flat in rural Ayrshire.
I’ve always been a night person, so I would often find myself bored after the text messages from friends quietened down and Facebook and Twitter fell asleep. To pass the time, I used to fire on the iPod and go for a walk.

I spent four years like that, walking alone at night, and never once had a reason to feel afraid.
But all of that changed in just a few minutes of one evening.

It was a Wednesday, somewhere between one and two in the morning, and I was walking near the local health center, quite a bit away from my flat. It was a quiet night, with very little traffic and no one about. The street where the health center is, as it was most nights, was completely empty.

I turned down a short side street in order to loop back to my flat when I first noticed him.
At the far end of the street, on my side, was the silhouette of a man, dancing. It was a strange dance, similar to a waltz, but he finished each ‘turn’ with an odd forward stride.
I guess you could say he was almost dance-walking. Headed straight for me.

Scary Street 3

Deciding he was probably drunk, I stepped as close as I could to the road to give him the most of the pavement to pass by me. The closer he got, the more I realized how gracefully he was moving. He was very tall and lanky, and wearing an old suit. He danced closer still, until I could make out his face. His eyes were open wide and wild, head tilted back slightly, looking off at the sky. His mouth was formed in a painfully wide cartoon of a smile. Between the eyes and the smile, I decided to cross the street before he danced any closer.

I took my eyes off of him to cross the empty street. As I reached the other side, I glanced back… and then stopped dead in my tracks. He had stopped dancing and was standing with one foot in the street, perfectly parallel to me. He was facing me but still looking skyward. Smile still wide on his lips.
I was completely and utterly unnerved by this. I started walking again, but kept my eyes on the man. He didn’t move.
Once I had put about a block distance between us, I turned away from him for a moment to look up the pavement in front of me. The street and pavement ahead of me were completely empty. Still unnerved, I looked back to where he had been standing and found him gone. For the briefest of moments I felt relieved.

Scary Street 2

Until I noticed him…

He had crossed the street, and was now slightly crouched down. I couldn’t tell for sure due to the distance and the shadows, but I was certain he was facing me. I had looked away from him for no more than 10 seconds, so it was clear that he had moved fast.
I was so shocked that I stood there for what felt like a long time, staring at him. And then he started moving toward me again. He took giant, exaggerated tip toed steps, as if he were a cartoon character sneaking up on someone. Except he was moving very, very quickly.

I’d like to say at this point I ran away or pulled out my phone or shouted or did anything at all, but I didn’t.
I just stood there, completely frozen as the smiling man crept toward me.

And then he stopped again, about a car length away from me. Still smiling his smile, still looking to the sky.
When I finally found my voice, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
What I meant to ask was, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!” in an angry, commanding tone.
What came out was a whimper… “What the fuu…?”

Regardless of whether or not humans can smell fear, they can certainly hear it.
I heard it in my own voice, and that only made me more afraid.
But he didn’t react to it at all.
He just stood there, smiling.

And then, after what felt like forever, he turned around, very slowly, and started dance-walking away.
Just like that.
Not wanting to turn my back to him again, I just watched him go, until he was far enough away to almost be out of sight.

Scary Street 4

And then I realized something.

He wasn’t moving away anymore, nor was he dancing.

I watched in horror as the distant shape of him grew larger and larger.

He was coming back my way.

And this time he was running.

I ran too.
I ran and ran until I was off of that damn back street and onto a street where I knew there were houses to get help. Looking behind me then, he was nowhere to be found. The rest of the way home, I kept glancing over my shoulder, always expecting to see his stupid smile, but he was never there.

For the rest of the time I lived in that flat, I never went out for another walk.
There was something about his face that always haunted me to this day.
He didn’t look drunk. He didn’t look high.
He looked insane.
And that’s a very, very scary thing to see when you’re alone in the street at night.

Scary Street 5

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Welcome To The Freak Show!

AHS Freak Show TitlesOctober, October, October!
My favourite month of the year!
Clown GIF
Not only is it Halloween Month, it’s the month in which American Horror Story returns!
We’ve visited the Murder House, been locked up in the Asylum, searched for a Supreme in Coven and now it’s time to go down to the FREAK SHOW!!!

Hit play before you read down! Melanie Martinez’s Carousel is awesome!

AHS Freak Show Poster 1

In season one, all of the characters, dead and alive, were odd and decidedly quirky. The murder house itself was, perhaps, the strangest of all and this structure of wood and brick was yet another member of the cast with secrets and a scary backstory.

Season two took place in Briarcliff Manor and involved not just the insane but the Devil and angels of death right alongside serial killers and aliens from outer space. Jessica Lange pulled off a masterful performance as the woman viewers loved to hate at the start of the season and then got the audience to feel for her doomed character later on. Lange proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that her acting chops were big and sharp.

The third season of American Horror Story featured modern day witches in The Coven. This was, perhaps, the quirkiest and most tongue in cheek season yet. Bringing in Oscar winning actress Kathy Bates as the horrid Madame LaLaurie, who also manages to become a sympathetic character after a horrific introduction and Angela Bassett (an Oscar nominee) as her arch nemesis.

That this story of witchcraft was never meant to be taken too seriously was proven with the introduction of Stevie Nicks, playing herself, as witch. Season three ended with a few questions unanswered and the show’s fans were already clamoring for more from Murphy’s twisted pen.

Season four of American Horror Story: Freak Show steps more fully into ‘people are strange’ in the literal sense by focusing on that part of carnivals and fairs that were very popular “back in the day.” The bearded lady, the pin-head, midgets, and so on will take viewers into a world reminiscent of Tod Browning’s 1932 film Freaks. The big difference between Browning’s and Murphy’s worlds will be the inclusion of a terrifying clown. One that, according to the actor playing him, John Carroll Lynch, will put Stephen King’s Pennywise the Clown out of business. Fans will have to watch the season four premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show on October 8 to see if Lynch is right.


“American Horror Story: Freak Show” begins its tale in the quiet, sleepy hamlet of Jupiter, Florida. The year is 1952. A troupe of curiosities has just arrived to town, coinciding with the strange emergence of a dark entity that savagely threatens the lives of townsfolk and freaks alike. This is the story of the performers and their desperate journey of survival amidst the dying world of the American carny experience.”

Returning cast members from previous installments of the series include Jessica Lange, Evan Peters, Denis O’Hare, Frances Conroy, Sarah Paulson, Jamie Brewer, Emma Roberts, Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett, Naomi Grossman and Gabourey Sidibe who will be joined by newcomers Wes Bentley, Jyote Amge, Matt Fraser, Erika Ervin, Skyler Samuels, John Carrol Samuels, Finn Wittrock, Michale Chiklis and the legendary Patti LaBelle!












This season, once you die, you’re dead.” – Ryan Murphy


Freak Show Title Gif 1American Horror Story: FreakShow premieres on FX in the US on October 8th
and FOX in the UK on October 21st.

Shit That Cheryl Says

Shit That Cheryl Says


Fight For This Love


Cheryl is Amazing

I also love the SHIT that Cheryl says!

Cheryl's Eyebrows



Some people liked mine and Chris’s wee video!

Facebook Video Likes

And the one and only Michelle Visage gave her seal of approval!

On that note…

Michelle Visage Byesies

The Rewind: April – July 2014

RW 2

So… It’s only 5 months til Chr***mas…

Alaska Face

People have tried to have conversations about Chr***mas with me.
People have been buying Chr***mas presents.
People need to stop with this  Chr***mas madness.

Bianca Get The Fuck Out

Please. Don’t talk about Chr***mas. It’s still the fucking summer.

Hand of No

So while these pesky little elves are preparing for the annual shit storm of fun and snow and turkey oh my…

Bianca mmhmmm

…some of us have been guddling away, doing things and stuff, enjoying the summer months and ignoring the fact that winter is coming. And that is where this narcissistic little blog comes into play. Following on from the first Rewind blog I wrote back in April where I collated my blogs and things and stuff, I thought I’d do a May – July collation of my blogs and things and stuff.
It’s my blog and I’ll blog if I want to!


April was quiet on the old blog.
I had a few Sugar-y things to take care of and LORD it was fun!
Moving on. :)

As mentioned, I wrote a Rewind blog covering January to April and if you click on the image below you can have a read!

RuPaul’s Drag race had a WEDDING EXTRAVAGANZA and RuPaul went to see Hedwig on Broadway!

Talking of weddings, the amazing Drag Queens of London had a sort of wedding…

And YES Vanity Von Glow, you looked thin GURL!


Well… May began with my birthday!
Happy Birthday ME

And I wrote my 31st birthday inspired blog…


24 LAD

Conchita Wurst

Did I win Eurovision?!

Nope! Conchita did!

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 6 came to an end…

And it was marvellous!

In fact… the entire month of May was Marvellous!

The Marvellous Month of May!
And what a marvellous month it was!
Things began with thing called ‘My 31st Birthday‘.
I mean. 31. Thirty One. Thirty Fucking One.

Latrice Lord Jesus

I could have had one of those OH WOE IS ME I’M OLD BOOHOOOO moments but bitch please… I’m one year older to peeing myself and not having to give a shit about it. I’m glad I’m not in that perky, annoying 18 – 25 or 25 – 30 tick box any more where they’re all BUZZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! about shit.
You’re not buzzing. You’re a twat. Behave.
I may have a few grey hairs in my beard, an ever-increasing unempathetic disposition and an intolerance for pretty much anything that doesn’t interest me, but I have a career, a house, and a wonderful Coven of Cunts that I call friends who keep me entertained with wine and shenanigans.

We Are The Weirdos Mister

I’m 31 years old and I’m fucking fabulous.
‘Oh he thinks he’s fabulous does he?’
Yes. I do. Eat it.

Willam Hair Flick

May. Marvellous May. What made May so marvellous?
Well, for purposes of alliteration, Marvellous works with May.
I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve been far too busy with my work and my travels and my projects and… wait for it… SOCIALISING! ME! Socialising! With ACTUAL people! This old age is doing weird things to me.
Here’s a wee run down of what made May so marvellous for me!



After 13 weeks of shade and shit, Bianca Del Rio was crowned the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race 2014! I was on #TeamBianca from the very start of Season 6. Hurricane Bianca obliterated the competition this season with her acerbic tongue and style, winning three challenges along the way and never having to lip sync for her life.

“Bianca is my kind of entertainer.
She is totally fearless, bust-a-gut hilarious, and yet she’s still managed to touch the hearts of Drag Race fans around the world.”
- RuPaul

Bianca was crowned by last year’s winner, Jinkx Monsoon who passed on some advice to the newly crowned Queen B…

“Revel in every single second of it… mind your Ps and Qs, and, when the bitches come for you, let that bullshit be water off a motherfuckin’ duck’s back!”

Bianca & Jinkx





If you’re a fan of RuPaul and Michelle Visage then the What’s The Tee podcast series from them is absolutely worth a listen! It is hilare! With episodes such as ‘Disco Jesus, Facelifts and Juicing’ and ‘Beyonce, Monogamy and Let The Music Play’ there’s something for everyone! If that’s your thang that is! :)


Lady Munter. Glasgow’s First Lady of Drag.
She knows how to throw a party!

We met Michelle Visage at Menergy’s Fierce ruling Divas Ball.

Brandon Emma Michelle John

If we look drunk, it’s because we were.

Michell Autograph

We spent my birthday at AXM Glasgow seeing Manila Luzon!

Manila Luzon

Emma and I got our picture taken by the amazing Michael James.

John & Emma Michael James Photography

And we had a great time with some great people along the way!

Group 1
Group 2

Menergy is hosted by the ever amazing Lady Munter at AXM in Glasgow!
Check the website for upcoming events and tickets!


We also attended Radio One’s Big Weekend in Glasgow which featured an amazing line up of artists, bands and performers!
The Friday night event at George Square saw Danny Howard, Annie Mac, Zane Lowe, Pete Tong, Martin Garrix and Tiesto entertain a 15,000 strong crowd in rave of epic proportion!

R1 Rave

The music was as expected from the DJ’s playing, the light show against City Halls was spectacular and the bagpipe rendition of Avicii’s ‘Wake Me Up’ was quite the treat. BUT! The true highlight of the evening was that I was in the company of the one and only Beth Ditto herself. God bless you, random lady!

Beth Ditto


Two more additions to my ever-expanding collection of Chad Sell artworks!
They’re pretty fierce!

Bianca Jinkx Chad Sell
Queen Collection


Well. I didn’t really. But bravo to beards and Conchita Wurst!

Conchita Wurst


The month of May was indeed marvellous.
Over the next wee while I’ll be posting about some new music things I’ve been working on which I’m really impressed with so far if I don’t say so myself, artworks and commissions that I’ve been working on, gigs we are heading to, gigs I’m doing, some TV and film stuff and a few interviews that I have lined up!


June. The month The Hayfever hit. NOT A GOOD LOOK.

I learned that Paddington Bear is a bit of a creep.
Click the photo! Have a read! I’m tellin’ ya! He’s a creep!

I also had an Oreo induced meltdown when I discovered that Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Oreos were an actual real life thing…

Joker Yum



Me! Beard of The Day! Thanks Happy Bear Co! :)

I got my paint on in a blog called…

I kinda like the finished work even if I do say so myself!

Finished Shower Scene

Bianca Del Rio came to Menergy Glasgow and she was one pussy mouthed muthafucka!

It was a good night!

I developed beard envy…


the Queens

I also made  a donation to Hurricane Bianca because I NEED THIS MOVIE TO BE MADE!

And July ended with my Scissor Sisters blog making another comeback thanks to a wee segment on STV Glasgow about the Barrowlands venue in Glasgow! Yeah, that’s me in the middle without a beard, my friend John on the left and the one and only Jake Shears on the right! We broke the STV Glasgow TV thing. Sorry! (Not Sorry!)

And that was The Rewind from April to July 2014!
Until next time!

Sissy That Walk

Shower Scene

Shower Scene

I’ve been painting again!
This time it’s based on Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho!

Psycho Titles

If you’re not familiar with this masterpiece, then shame on you!
I wrote a spoiler heavy fanblog about the film a while ago and if you click on the picture of Hitch’s face below, the magic of the internet will take you to that very blog!

hitchcock psycho

I vaguely remember seeing a series of abstract artworks based on classic film posters a long time ago and decided I’d give it a go myself using a blank canvas, masking tape, a piece of card and some black, rich red and china clay coloured acrylics that I had lying around the house.

Shower Scene 1
Measuring out the distance between each stripe and applying masking tape was a bit of a pain,but it worked out!

Shower Scene 2
Red paint! Easy.

Shower Scene 3
Colouring three of the stripes red was ok.

Shower Scene 4
Painting the black stripes and removing the masking tape stripes was not so good. The black paint seeped under some of the tape…

Shower Scene 5
Which resulted in some tricky touch ups to try and keep the lines as straight as possible. I have no patience for painting in straight lines.

Shower Scene 6
A few more touch ups…

Shower Scene FINAL
And it’s done!

Finished Shower Scene

Psycho Shower


Beard Of The Day!

Happy Bears

This is my 150th blog post!
And it’s dedicated to me and my beard!

The Happy Bear beard care brand from Niven & Joshua have made me their
Beard of the Day on their Twitter account!

I feel fancy!

Iggy Fancy

Cheers Happy Bear Co.!

Dancing Bear

Oh! Oh! Oreos!

Oh Oh Oreos

Hello. My name is John and I’m an Oreo-holic.


Oreos. Oreos. Oreos.
mmmm oreo

Joker Yum

Look at this glorious Wall of Oreos.
It’s a fucking Wall of Oreos.
It’s almost pornographic.
Wall of Oreos

Look at all the Oreos…

Banana Split! Berry Burst! Strawberry Milkshake! White Fudge! Birthday Cake! Cool Mint! Neapolotin! Golden Chocolate!

This is the mythical Watermelon Oreo…

Do you see this? DO. YOU. SEE. THIS.
Halloween Oreo

And then there’s this…

Miss J GIF

That is a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Oreo.
The Holy Grail of Oreo.

Miss J


They are not available to buy in Scotland.


They are not available in Scotland.

Rizzoli HELL NO

Not… Available… In… Scotland…

Elsa Distrubs Me

I need Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Oreos in my life.
I tried improvising…
John's Oreo Sandwich
But I’m pretty sure it’s not what a real one looks like.

Ariel fuck it

Reese’s Peanut Butter people gave me some hope…

But there’s been nothing from the Oreo people.

jinkx upset

Dear Oreo People,
I hope you find it in your heart to share the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Limited Edition Special Edition Magical Mythical flavour Oreos with the world. But more specifically me. I need them in my life.
From John the Oreo Addict.

Lion King Please